Will you be mine?

   It's not when you miss a person terribly or not when you want to spend all your time with them. It's not at all when you are ready to do anything for them and not when they're continuously on your mind. And the concept of not being able to live without a specific person, is a complete fail. It's not even when you think you are compromising when you do things for them and also not when doing things for them seems like trouble or a formality in order for them to not get hurt.

    She is a wild sea at storm now. With raging waves of emotions. She was once a smooth flowing river, calm and sorted. Not anymore. She is continuously being beaten down by the rocks at bay. All the waves are breaking down and rebuilding. She can't quite figure out one from another. She can't feel the catastrophe around her. Because she has gone numb. Numb from feeling too much of everything. She has heard promises; she has been shown dreams of forever after. She has melted in words and shared smiles to the ninth cloud. These silver linings have made her fall that much harder. Often; It's this delusion that we mistakenly call love; we pay no attention to the gist of the words that the lover says while we are too intoxicated in ecstasy by the way they're said. 

       But even in ecstasy, she rarely slipped with the words. And it's the words that she remembered the best. They meant too much to her and she dwelved too deep in them. Those four simple words from an year ago, "Will you be mine?" keep replaying in her head. Those impulsive sweet talks and spur of the moment promises came to mean more than they were meant to. And the sweeter the words of the past, the harsher they cut her in the present.

    The words; the words have left a hole in her heart. His face; everytime it appears; scrapes the edgy facets of the hole in her heart. Tears are shed and so is blood. She can't feel it though; numb as she is. So numb. She knows it's not love. Definitely not it. Not the words; nor the feelings or the substance of the promises.

-ThatGirl.Again

Say Something, I am Giving Up On You!

   The seeds of doubt. The unbelieving looks that pass their faces. The speculations. And how their actions speak so much louder. How they look away. And how they make it a point to pierce her with their words or actions, making it look like it was just another random thing. Those loud cries of desperation and insecurity being defended as clues and hints of unsatisfaction. The pretence of killing a flying bird while she has been caged and rid of her wings earlier. Sometimes they say it, sometimes they show it. Most times they abandon her. And again she gets trampled on and forgotten despite all her efforts. It's hard to tell who is more desperate.

     She goes out of her way. She compromises. She lets god her own comforts. She has gone numb about her own choices. She abandons her sleep each night. She carries their baggage while dragging behind her own sorrows or dropping them altogether. All she expects is acceptance, care. A concerned look, deep down her almost unfathomable eyes. A genuine, giving hug; not of self infliction or formalities. The promise of belonging. After doing so much. That is all she asks for.

         What she gets instead is taunts, pokes, anger, avengeful words, unsatisfaction and most of all hurt. Still she keeps trying. Running. She never stops trying. The little mouse on the wheel. Struggling to make all ends meet. Pleasing everyone. Feeling guilty for working late. Wishing for seconds to tick by faster or slower as people please. Only to make them smile. Because that is what counts. And that was all that mattered to her. Until lately. She has put down her weapons now. She is tired of running. She is going to be blamed and hurt either way. So she's giving up. Letting go..

 

 Recent favourite song, Watch here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-2U0Ivkn2Ds&feature=kp

                          

                                                                                                                   - ThatGirl.Again

If Only..

    Freedom. Space. That is what everyone is craving for. Nature; Independent and free; Acts on will and thus so beautiful. So Breathtaking. And as true and kind it could get. That is what freedom does. Instills life in mundane proceedings. To be able to branch out; or set and rise at will, dance with the wind or break down and drop like an autumn leaf. No questions asked, no judgments made and no expectations to match up to. Only cherishing the changes and adapting to them. Attaining the stability to act on impulse and be accepted. This is exactly what she is struggling for. freedom. Space. Naive Impulses. And no questions asked. No judgments made. Acceptance.

        Bound by indifference. Bound by work. Running on a spindle like a mouse. In confined spaces she fights to feel; and to feel for him, free from him. She wants a shout out, and no judgments. If she could only step out from behind the spotlight. If she could only muster up the courage. If she could only master her heart or the world. If she could live out with the crux of her being. She craves being looked upon, cared for, accepted and overlooked. The ravenous stares that pierce her back with judgments have to be vanquished. If she could only build and destroy as she pleased. If she could only feel for him, free from him.

                                                                                                 
                                                                                                                            - ThatGirl.Again

     

Once in Forever

    Breathing. Putting one step in front of another. Blinking with time. Smiling at apt moments. Dressing right. Waving at people because that's how it's supposed to be. The correct attitude. Controlled emotions. A mask, That continually smiles. For the world. Grieving; only after lights out.And it's a vicious circle on repeat mode. The tape has been pulled out, damaged, tampered with, but it's wound again in the cassette. It looks perfectly fine. But There's no sound. Lying in a lone corner, No one plays it anymore, Outdated. Obsolete. The world passes by, No one realizes. Everything is in order. Breathing. Putting one foot in front of another. Looking forward only to the finish line.

     And then, Once in a while, seeing that one face. It's like the sunlight streaming in through broken glass windows. Rays of light come through. Hope lightens up. Once in a while, everything comes alive in her. The storm is pushing, fighting against her walls. She is losing her composure. She wants to scream her lungs out, fling her arms around her love and just let the rest of the world melt away. Once in a while, she wants to let go. Once in a while, she doesn't wanna be afraid. Afraid f needing. Afraid of needing to be in love. Once in a while, she wants to be consumed in the fire of love. Being washed over by it. Feel all of it; And then Let it all Go. Be Free of it. For once and for all.

      Trapped. Trapped behind bars built by her own faults and slips. Chains wrung around her by her very own self. Lying inside the cage, musing over the imprints. The imprints left behind. It's funny how the imprints are like shadows, only left behind. And misleading. Misleading shadows. Shadows that are a lie. So much more Grandeur than it's actual form. But she needs that once in forever, Where she can let go and let it all out. All the emotions brewing inside and brimming at her rims. And the only person she wants to talk it all out to, is the one who put her in the cage, in the first place. But he can never know. He must never  know. He doesn't care enough to know. He's not worthy of knowing. The bounds, the struggle, It's all wasted. Wasted upon an Unaware traveler; unaware of what he's treading on; who later decided to change his path.

Follow link to see the illustration :One of my favourite artist's : ' Finding Quieter ways to love you'

- That.GirlAgain

                     

   

     

Lost, Incomprehensible. Again and Again

    When obsession takes over. When a personal catastrophe is created. When the rib'cage' of the heart is realized. When a head is pushed under the surface of the water for too long. When the extreme waves of emotions are beaten down and have gone numb. When sentences from novels are read over and over again to decipher new meanings. When she cares enough to read every blink, every frown, every smile and grimace and every emotion that passes by his face. From afar. When she cares too much.

    She's on a swing. Back and forth. Back and forth. Closer now, farther away the next second. Lost and incomprehensible in the speed and wind of life. Going on walking on a tightrope. Scared to admit anything, lest she falls. Back and forth. Back and forth. He's always in sight, right in front of her. And she goes back and forth. It can't stop, lest he disappears. It can't go on, lest she looses her head. She goes back and forth. Lost, incomprehensible.

    The yearning hides. It sits and waits till nightfall, whilst feeding on her soul. And as the sky darkens and we are returned home, it feeds on her tears. The yearning is insatiable. Her thoughts cannot move an inch without bumping into some piece of him. And the run through that's in her head is making her dizzier with time. 

     She drains it all out. In the form of tears and ink splattered on paper. That's how she breathes again every morning. That's how she fights the anchors holding her down in the deep black sea. Words are splattered in the dead of the night. And she resurfaces each morning, to drown out all over again. Again and Again.   

- ThatGirl.Again

WanderLost

    There's work. Family. Friends. Events. And Priorities. Everyone has so much to do. It all boils down to preferences and priorities. But for people bound with emotions, there are even commitments to look after. And sometimes she lets go of her preferences to look after her commitments. And she fights and struggles. For Fulfillment. Because giving up an internal conflict is not easy.

     She wanders. A lot. So does her head. She's moody. All designers are. But she's bound. The boundaries restrict her to twirl and twerk and explore. Work is just that. Work. Conditional. Tiresome. The infinity of exploring has transformed into a Never ending drag. In a tight little circle. She's gasping for breath. But with all that, work still comes first. At least in her head. Everything in her head is work. Everything else is secondary.

    Like Love. the love that's lost. And the love that lives. And the abyss in between, with the whirlpool of delusional emotions. She's so deeply involved in her emotions, moved so close to them. She can tell one from another no longer. The world is just a slow motion movie in the backdrop.

     She lies there among lights and colors. Doubled over. Holding on to a steady nothing. Her eyes are empty and so is the sky clear, just after a pour down. She's unaware of what she's staring at or where she is lost. But her wishes and his memories wont leave. And she lies there. Basking in the cold sun in the aftermath of his memories.

        She let her heart wander free. Its lost now.

           p.s. relatable quotes 

"It's not that i cant fall in love. It's really that I cant help falling in love with too many things at once. So you must understand why i cant distinguish between what's platonic and what isn't. Because it's all too much and not enough at the same time."  - Jack Kerouac

Hey There!

   Hey there! Everyone of us is lost in the crowd of people and emotions. And we still tend to feel alone. Because there are a thousand faces and a million facades. Various names and infinite identities.And nothing is constant. Except Change. The world lives on change. It will die without it. Every flicker, every blink, every heartbeat and the world is different in every second. Our life is an adventure and you do not know what will come next. Yet we live, in hope, in anticipation, thriving to be constant. And we fight against inevitability. Because human nature always wants different things. Humans are never satisfied. This fight, this adventure is the spice of our lives. Or that's what i think.

     We are young. Beautiful. Naive. Impulsive. And we will be that way till we live. Every Heart is young and beautiful till the very end. But we are always wandering in the world with the burdens of the past, while anticipating the future. We drag with us, our regrets and memories, masked in dazzling hoaxes. And all of us want to go back in that time, that we once were in. That time when opportunities came with ambition and courage. Giggles were louder and the twinkle in her eyes was omnipresent. Dreams were endless and love was on the top of the list. Sheer innocence. Unscathed beauty.

     But that's gone. That girl is lost in the deep abyss of her eyes. No one cares enough to look closer. At anyone. The courage has been stabbed out by critical eyes. Giggles are scattered, Dreams gloomier. And fear has taken over love. Loosing it is so much more scary than the happiness of feeling it. Lives are vulnerable. But deep inside, we know, That girl lives. Somewhere in us.

     That girl is improbable, childlike, acts on impulse, falls in love too hard and too fast and laughs, laughs at her own free will. What we have learnt on our adventure are lessons from her mistakes. The scars we wear proudly are the old wounds from her various demises. The cloak of past that we wrap around ourselves, in order to be not vulnerable, is all sewn together with the rags of her memories. And sometimes, all we want to do is, close our eyes, slip into a daydream, and be that girl again.

        That Girl Again whom anyone could Fall In Love with.

                                             - ThatGirl. Again