Her World Within | Him

She opened her eyes and found herself alone; like every other morning. Unlike ever other morning, her hope to be waking up in his arms; seemed lost today.

It seemed unreal. Empty. 145 days seemed like a forever that paused abruptly. The tape was misshapen.

There was no sea to swim through. Darkness. Breath coming out in short gasps. Drowning.

All her senses vanquished. Oh! her forgetfulness. She forgets to breathe. Cackling; deafening sounds. The walls are closing in. Thrashing, struggling, reaching out. Where's the hand she holds on to?

The tape rewinds. Hours, Lies, Days, Kisses, Minutes, Contentment, Fear, Cracks, Laughter; Love.
It all goes back to that first day. the first time she saw him; the first time he smiled, the first laugh they shared and the first time that she knew for sure; this was it. It was like nothing she had felt before. It was a breeze, it was a storm, it was drizzle, it was sleet. It was everything she ever wanted and everything she feared. She traced the universe on the planes of his face. His stubble wrote stories of forever after on her body. Etched, contained, thrashing. They were fire and ice. It was like the sky falling for the earth. They met at the horizon. Swimming through the waves. It was a fairy tale; it was magic. He was everywhere and he was her reason to emote.

Every morsel of food, every picture, every time she passed a mirror. In every breath, in pressed flowers, in books, in her every story. In her past, like life was waiting to meet him. In her present, empty but hopeful. In her future, never ending possibilities. Her life revolved around him. With everything she had, the good, the bad and the worst. She bared it all, one by one.

And now, suddenly. A slip, a miss, a tear, a pull, a lie, a crack, a phoof!

Darkness. Numbness. Loss.

A dream of a  faint light. Hope.
A halo. An angel. Him.
Running towards that. Outstretched arms.

He waits at the end of that tunnel she dug

About time to get to the end of tunnel.

The halo is within arm's reach.

                      - ThatGirl.Again

Maze of Distorted Self infliction

   She was tattered. From the inside and out; only by putting everyone's lives ahead of hers. And she thought that was love. What feigned from her cognizance was the fact that it was the lack of love for her own self. And one can only love fulfillingly when they are completely at peace with their own self. The one truth she never grasped. She had given up on patching the tatters up, rather, she had fallen in love with caressing the texture of it. Falling in love with a number of  things so often, had become a habit.

   The disheveled face she had started to carry on the outside? Oblivion. Towards self integrity. But why did she let herself tear and rot away? The pain of separation and desperation. The guilt of breaking people. A maze of distorted self infliction. The frequency of her fainting spells and tears were at its' peak.  Balled in a corner bawling so often, for something that she hasn't done, neither is she responsible for. 

   At the end of the day he still says: Never did she care, neither will she do. He too, lives in oblivion. Oblivion to acceptance. She's punishing herself for whatever it is that she did; yet unaware of her faults. She seems to be frolicking in the guilt of his sadness. Such are facades. And she expects he will run away from her. If he looks in the mirror, the misery of her actions, should make him run away. He must run away. The mirror worked for her.
   A reality check was enough of a push for her. All she needed to do was look in the mirror. The answer to all her troubles was right there staring back at her. With empty eyes bruised under and broken skin, the reflection longed for freedom. And the misery, the moment of truth, made her decide to run away and never look back. Ever.

                                                                      

                                                                                                                      - ThatGirl. Again